


Tidings of comfort and potatoes

by filigree (figureinthecarpet)



Series: The perils of everybody [2]
Category: The Martian (2015), The Martian - Andy Weir
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-05-17 00:07:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 16,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5846221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/figureinthecarpet/pseuds/filigree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which emails are mainlined, people are developed professionally, and summaries are made passively.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

From: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: May 28, 2037, 6:37 PM  
Subject: Watney

Send him an email. I'll approve it for the data packet.

\---

From: Mindy Park, Official Voyeur of Mark Watney, NASA-JSC  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Overlord of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
Date: May 28, 2037, 7:30 PM  
Subject: Re: Watney

Suggestions for topic? All of my ideas so far sound like creepily breathless fan letters.

Also, thank you.

\---

From: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: May 29, 2037, 6:30 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: Watney

I don't care as long as it's entertaining and submitted to Enze before 1430. 

Stop hacking your email header.


	2. Chapter 2

From: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Space Peon, NASA-JSC  
To: Mark Watney, Ex-Space Pirate, Ares 3  
CC: Enze Bo, Ares Communications Coordinator, NASA-JSC  
Date: May 29, 2037, 2:19 PM  
Subject: Holy Fermentation, Batman!

Dear Mark,

I work in SatCon, and I was in charge of the satellites that spied on you. I wanted to begin by telling you that your clearly differentiated dashes and dots made decoding your morse a cinch. So, thanks!

A short self-introduction:

0\. Dr. Kapoor asked me to write this email. I'm not sure why.  
1\. I play clarinet, oboe and the violin because my parents can't take a hint. I play the Appalachian dulcimer ('A' as in apple and not as in able, Yankee) because I went through a huge Joni Mitchell phase and learning that seemed easier than smoking a lot and writing self-introspective lyrics. My thoughts, they are not poetic, jazzy, or, you know, award-winning.  
3\. I wrote to and received a signed letter from Dr. Mae Jamison. I'd go around and be smug about the fact that I knew her as an astronaut first and not as a glorified transporter technician extra from TNG, but that's not really impressive, is it?  
4\. I remember seeing the Endeavour being flown over LA to the California Science Center when it was retired. My dad swears that it's not possible because I was maybe two at the time, but that's my earliest memory.  
5\. Before you clutch your head in pain at (1), take note that the lack of a serial comma is a conscious stylistic decision.

Dr. Kapoor told me to be entertaining. You'll have to decide whether I succeed, but I will promise a recounting that will feature a fair-to-excellent command of grammar and the spelling of a district middle school champion.

The first thing you need to know about my mom for the following story is that she is a master of fermenting foods. Some people have vegetable gardens or views, but my mother has a 3 x 8 grid of onggi crocks filled with kimchi on the balcony at home. She's made everything in the traditional Korean repertory, has aged her own vinegars, inoculated her own cheese, etc etc etc. I'm drooling a little just thinking about eating her stuffed cucumbers. She refuses to send me any of it; I'm pretty sure that she holds it hostage so that I'll visit. Mmm.

The second thing you should know is that my entire family is obsessed with specificity. Yesterday she began our phone conversation by telling me that there's this "new thing" that she wants to try. The last time she was this vague---when she "bought a car"---she went out to buy a truck and came home with a two-seat convertible. She's an intelligent and articulate lawyer in real life, so listening to her openly obfuscate like that makes my blood pressure rise a little.

Anyway, this "new thing" turned out to be ika no shiokara. It's a Japanese dish. Ika is squid, and shiokara turns out to be one of the most disgusting substances known to man. It's a salted mixture of fermenting viscera, so ika no shiokara is literally a squid being pickled in its own guts. 

Go ahead, gag a little. It's even worse _when you know what the stuff actually smells like_ , and I do, because the mama-san at my favorite restaurant in college would offer it to her favorite customers. To my regret, I was one of her favorite customers! I don't have the exact words to describe that smell. The closest is maybe a cup of sea water that's had the odor of rotting shrimp heads beaten into it. You're supposed to chase it down with something heavily alcoholic, which in my opinion is probably to obliterate the memory of having eaten that in the first place.

The ghost of those fumes hounded my nose as I spent the next five minutes convincing her that this project was not a good idea, so of course we finished the call with her promising a whole vat to myself the next time I go visit. 

(Maybe she doesn't want me to visit and the squid is the deterrent. Will have to investigate further.)

Now that everyone knows about your ordeal by potato, I have to ask whether your aversion is to just potato products, potato-like food objects, non-potato food objects that taste like potatoes or some overlapping combination of the three. I don't know if you've ever had prawn crackers, but it'd be really sad if your vengeance against _das tuber_ leads you to reject one of the greatest snack foods known to man.

I have to stop so that I have time to copy-edit this word vomit before the submission deadline. I'm glad that I can finally send some gibberish back to you.

Best, Mindy

\---

From: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: May 30, 2037, 9:24 AM  
Subject: Re: Holy Fermentation, Batman!

Hi,

I'm on painkillers. I also don't know how to respond to your email. About your quesstion, I can't test your potato aversion hypotheseses with any of the food supplies onboard. Actually, even thinking about potatoes is making my eye twtich, so I'll think about my next meal of nutrient broth instead.

Cool header.

Watney

\---

From: Broody Becky Boo, Doctor to the Stars, Ares 3  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 3, 2037, 8:51 AM  
Subject: Satcon e-mail

Can you ask the Satcon lady to send Watney another e-mail? 

\---

From: Christopher Beck, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 9, 2037, 9:18 AM  
Subject: headers

Johanssen refused to delete the last e-mail from the packet. The header was not my doing.


	3. Chapter 3

From: Enze Bo, Ares Communications Coordinator, NASA-JSC  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 3, 2037, 10:45 AM  
Subject: Ares 3 email access

Dr Venkat has given permission for you to maintain unrestricted email contact with Mission Specialist Watney. Daily submission deadline is at 1430 until further notice. You no longer have to carbon copy emails to me for screening, but please continue to exercise judgement about appropriate content. Contact me if you have questions. 

\---

From: Enze Bo, Ares Communications Coordinator, NASA-JSC  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 3, 2037, 10:52 AM  
Subject: fermentation question

This is awkward, but does your mum know anything about Szechuanese paocai? Mine keeps moulding, store-bought or homemade, and I'm desperate.

\---

From: Enze Bo, Ares Communications Coordinator, NASA-JSC  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 3, 2037, 11:14 AM  
Subject: FW: Re: Ares 3 email access

Above my paygrade.

At 11:07 AM, Mindy Park wrote:
    
    
    Will I be able to write Watney from my personal email account? My job contract expires in two weeks. My supervisor can't extend it anymore, and there are no open positions that I can apply to due to the announced budget cuts, so I'm going to be unemployed soon.

\---

From: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
To: Alex Enwezor-Papadopoulos, Director of Human Resources, NASA-JSC; Annalise Sorenson, Deputy Director, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 3, 2037, 11:20 PM  
Subject: head count

The non-renewable count in Mars operations is up to five and some of these employees are mission-critical. I've got the daily mission briefing at 1300-1415 but will appreciate the first 15 minutes free you have today.

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 3, 2037, 4:11 PM  
Subject: Re: Watney log release

G****** IT, STOP BURYING THE F***** LEDE IN YOUR F***** EMAILS. 

The daily video messages from Ares are maintaining public interest, but ratings for the Watney Report are falling and CNN is making noises about cancelling it. If we need to push up the release of his logs, I'll start priming the press on a premiere date if your people can release them to my office faster. 

We'll rethink the media strategy if the Congressional b******* ramps up any more. 

(This message has been censored for content due to system filtering parameters. If clarity has been grossly affected, please e-mail mailbox filter control with the message ID to receive the unfiltered original.)

\---

From: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
To: William Moran, D-Kentucky, United States House of Representatives  
Date: June 3, 2037, 4:11 PM  
Subject: Interim Appropriations

Bill, 

For God's sake, the job's not done just because Watney is back on the Hermes. My employees just came off a two-year crisis and many of them are still mission critical. The American public may not have remembered Armstrong's name a year after he landed on the moon, but that was 70 years ago and the 24-hour news cycle will eat you alive if anything happens due to your budget cuts. 

If you need to sell it to the other committee members, my researchers made several breakthroughs that could have major commercial and military applications while trying to save Watney. I'll send over a precis of the most promising if you're interested. 

T

As fair warning, Annie says to tell you that she's looking forward to seeing you in DC next week.

\---

From: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Photographic Alcove Specialist, NASA-JSC  
To: Mark Watney, Human Pincushion, Ares 3  
Date: June 3, 2037, 8:05 PM  
Subject: potent potables

Do you actually want me to write to you? No hurt feelings or sad puppy faces if you don't reply, especially as I'm still not sure why my supervisors are letting me write to you. The picture that Dr. Beck took of you during treatment is making the meme rounds. Social media is fretting about how thin you look and the fangirls are busy looking for pictures of hedgehogs that look like you.

I talked to my mom about _the thing_. Apparently I'm not obligated to eat it. At least, she won't be sad if I refuse, but my spider-sense tingles with implied disappointment if I don't at least sample. Rock, hard place, Korean maternal unit. I may yet get drunk with my parents if only to get through my next visit.

My nutritional historian friend at Cambridge emailed (last year......) to tell me that consuming only potatoes and cow milk is nutritionally sufficient for sustaining a person. This was apparently all that an Irish family had to eat when the English gentry enclosed the open farm land to raise sheep instead. He also added that the Irish have their own potato liquor, poitin or puitin or something. I haven't had it, but he says that it's disgusting and ridiculously alcoholic, up to 95% ABV. I think it's probably a pathetic attempt to erase the knowledge that you will have to spend your life eating that many potatoes.

I have totally failed at being interesting. Will try again tomorrow.

Best, Mindy

\---

From: Mister Potato Head Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Mindy Park, Pez Dispenser of Trivia, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 5, 2037, 8:46 AM  
Subject: Re: potent potables

I can understand why the Irish went full Braveheart on the English when they got a chance. I myself felt an overwhelming wave of resentment when I read your email, and I'm reasonably sure that no Englishmen were involved in stranding me on Mars. Please don't tell me if there were, or at least wait until I'm more lucid before telling me.

I asked Beck during my morning exam about making an onboard still. Thought experiment, purely theoretical. He jabbed me with more of the good painkillers for my back and threatened to tell Commander Lewis. I'll have to look through the supplies manifest to see what looks promising. I colonized Mars with fire and duct tape! This is just a victory lap while I recover from being victorious.

I forgot to tell you last time. Thank you for keeping an eye on me, and for sending the emails. Send whatever you want, especially if it's about cows. Johanssen has some suggestions about automating your header hacks, but she can email you herself.

Watney

\---

From: Mister Potato Head Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Mindy Park, Pez Dispenser of Trivia, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 5, 2037, 8:51 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: potent potables

Commander Lewis says that Braveheart is actually about the Scottish, but my point stands.

Watney

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarkson, L A, and E Margaret Crawford. (2001). _Feast and Famine: a History of Food and Nutrition in Ireland 1500-1920_. Oxford: Oxford University Press.


	4. Chapter 4

From: William Moran, D-Kentucky, United States House of Representatives  
To: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
Date: June 8, 2037, 10:25 AM  
Subject: Re: Interim Appropriations

NASA still has public sympathy, but I'm up for reelection next year. When Watney returns, my constituents are going to ask why their elected official is rewarding an agency that left him on Mars in the first place. 

The committee agrees we can justify one more round of interim funding at current levels, but you need begin implementing cuts in all areas. Pre-disaster level is acceptable for next year's budget proposal, but you should anticipate tapering to 2025 levels eventually.

Tell Annie I'm not in my first election anymore and that she should issue her own threats in person.

\---

From: Mindy Park, Will Work for Potatoes, NASA-JSC  
To: Enze Bo, Ares Communications Coordinator, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 8, 2037, 10:39 AM  
Subject: Re: [ANNOUNCEMENT] Reduced packet Thursday

How much stuff can you include in an astronaut media refresh? Is it just stuff that they've requested, or can you include gifts from the vetted public? What is the upload limit for the packet, anyways?

\---

From: Enze Bo, Ares Communications Coordinator, NASA-JSC  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 7, 2037, 11:15 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: [ANNOUNCEMENT] Reduced packet Thursday

Come find me at lunch. We can talk about it.

\---

From: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 8, 2037, 11:57 AM  
Subject: FWD: Interim Appropriations

He's not in his first election anymore and you should issue your threats in person.

T

At 10:25 AM, William Moran wrote: 

... 

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
Date: June 8, 2037, 12:15 PM  
Subject: Re: FWD: Interim Appropriations

Threats? I don't issue threats. I apply torsion to body parts when I observe active stupidity, but that's a fact, not a threat.

He's right that there's an election next year. Obviously I'll have to remind him of both when I see him at dinner.

\---

From: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 8, 2037, 12:18 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: FWD: Interim Appropriations

Does he know you're having dinner with him? 

Actually, don't tell me. I need to preserve deniability for when he calls me tomorrow.

T

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
Date: June 8, 2037, 1:05 PM  
Subject: Watney logs

We've scheduled an internal test next Friday with public release set for the end of this month. We'll release an edited compilation daily, concluding when Hermes re-enters Earth orbit in mid-December. I'll note that their return is very conveniently timed for the beginning of next year's budget proposal cycle.

I'm not having dinner with him, but I wouldn't be surprised if I run into him before dessert.

\---

From: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
To: Mark Watney, Space MacGyver, Ares 3  
Date: June 8, 2037, 1:21 PM  
Subject: the hairy ball theorem

Like I mentioned in my last email, my roommate and I have been watching the French Open. Yesterday she tells me that there is no way to comb all of the hairs on a tennis ball without creating one or more cowlicks. We could have just combed a couple of tennis balls while we finished the quarterfinal, but instead she decides to show me the truncated proof. Given that it's algebraic topology and I'm a mechanical engineer, I understood maybe 45% of it, and this is with her narrating while I crossed my eyes and looked at the math sideways. I'd share the joy with you, except there are _slightly_ inappropriate doodles---by an anonymous artist who shall stay anonymous---on most of the pages to which the system filters may object. 

At the end, she adds that hairy donuts can be combed flat and offers to prove that too. Since they don't have any suggestive analogues that the anonymous artist can draw and I was hungry, we went out for pancakes instead. 

Speaking of happy endings, that vegan strip club near the airport changed its sign again. I think I've mentioned that for the longest time they had a sign that was "Practicing for Mark's Return", but yesterday I drove by and it had changed to "Gluten-Free Lap Dances". Maybe they changed sign writers, or maybe you're finally falling off the cultural radar? If the attention gets too bad, move to Asia and wear a face mask everywhere, I can tell you from experience that no one will pay attention to the face behind a mask.

I contributed some selections from my own media collection, both audio and visual, for your edification. This could either be my best idea or my worst, but as it will be spectacular either way, I can't bring myself to apologize.

Mindy

\---

From: Mark Watney, Mars-only MacGyver, NASA-JSC  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 8, 2037, 9:30 PM  
Subject: papers please

We're having trouble with climate control in the bunk rooms. It was originally manageable, but now that it's radiated over to the other side of the corridor, the overlords have finally granted us permission to "investigate the problem." Martinez is pretty sure that it's faulty coolant distribution tubing, so any fix involve cutting into the hull or something equally ~~awesome~~ dangerous. I got volunteered to write the official risk assessment report since I'm still on medical leave (only until Monday!). Normally I'd cut first and apologize later, but I really don't want to piss off the nice people who rescued me.

I got a giant archive of media today. I recognize the stuff that I asked for, but what's all this stuff labeled in Korean?

Watney

\---

From: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, NASA-JSC  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 8, 2037, 10:16 PM  
Subject: ?????

How is k-pop the logical successor to disco?! 

I don't see how it's the answer to any of my problems.


	5. Chapter 5

From: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 9, 2037, 6:57 AM  
Subject: Re: the hairy ball theorem

Maybe the paperwork was f****** with my brain last night, but are you sure that strip club is vegan? 

(This message has been censored for content due to system filtering parameters. If clarity has been grossly affected, please e-mail mailbox filter control with the message ID to receive the unfiltered original.)

\---

From: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 9, 2037, 6:59 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: the hairy ball theorem

Not that I've been inside, but vegan?!

\---

From: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 9, 2037, 7:00 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: the hairy ball theorem

Are all the strippers vegan too?

\---

From: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 9, 2037, 7:02 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: the hairy ball theorem

G****** it, I have to stop pressing send compulsively. Maybe Beck was right about caffeine.

Not sure if more intrigued by stripper thoughts or food thoughts.

PS I still think you're wrong about k-pop, but it's pretty damned catchy.

(This message has been censored for content due to system filtering parameters. If clarity has been grossly affected, please e-mail mailbox filter control with the message ID to receive the unfiltered original.)

\---

From: Mark Watney, Awww Yeaaaaah, Ares 3  
To: Mindy Park, Awww Yessssssss, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 9, 2037, 8:39 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: the hairy ball theorem

I think I just found what you were hinting at. Stand by for awesome.

WATNEY

\---

From: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 9, 2037, 8:45 AM  
Subject: Dinner?

What kind of a phone call should I expect from Bill today?

T

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
Date: June 9, 2037, 9:31 AM  
Subject: Re: Dinner?

Please, I'm a professional. He has no need to call.

Ran into him after the lobster puffs. As I thought, Appropriations is just covering their a****. Really the problem is the near certainty of a filibuster in the Senate if they propose continuing to fund Ares in full. I think the minority leader wants to make Watney a campaign issue and her whips are winding up legislative b******* in advance.

If they want to f*** around with parliamentary procedures then I'll f****** play with them.

(This message has been censored for content due to system filtering parameters. If clarity has been grossly affected, please e-mail mailbox filter control with the message ID to receive the unfiltered original.)

\---

From: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 9, 2037, 10:59 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: Dinner?

You do know that the org chart lists you as my subordinate?

Try to stop by my office before you start your next coup. 

T


	6. Chapter 6

From: William Moran, D-Kentucky, United States House of Representatives  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 9, 2037, 11:26 AM  
Subject: Good to see you

My chief of staff position is open anytime you want to come back to DC.

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: William Moran, D-Kentucky, United States House of Representatives  
Date: June 9, 2037, 12:24 PM  
Subject: Re: Good to see you

You won the last four re-elections with more than 65% of the popular vote, so for f***** sake, grow a f****** spine. Right now your legislative record looks like the party elders are jerking you around by your d***. If you're thinking about seeking higher office soon, potentially in 2040 but more realistically 2044, keep in mind that sheep don't poll well.

(This message has been censored for content due to system filtering parameters. If clarity has been grossly affected, please e-mail mailbox filter control with the message ID to receive the unfiltered original.)

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: William Moran, D-Kentucky, United States House of Representatives  
Date: June 9, 2037, 12:25 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Good to see you

Regardless of my answer, you should look for another chief of staff. I think the House speaker is about to poach yours.

And no, thank you.

\---

From: William Moran, D-Kentucky, United States House of Representatives  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 9, 2037, 2:05 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Good to see you

I take back any thought I had about you losing your edge. 

\---

From: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
To: DJ Mark Watney, Ares 3  
Date: June 12, 2037, 2:29 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: the hairy ball theorem

Would you mind warning me before you awesome? In case I get incinerated, my tombstone should read:

Here lies Mindy Park  
She had bad ideas, a lot  
2009-(fill in date here)

We caught the news at lunch, but apparently the House Appropriations Committee left in enough overtime funding for the rest of this year! Things still weirdly tense, though, because no one knows whether this is enough to keep us all employed until the next fiscal year starts. In weekend news, Lo and I are going to check out the vegan strip club tonight instead of staring at/thinking about/combing more hairy tennis balls. Can tell you that I'm more excited by the thought of vegan chili cheese fries than vegan body parts, though now I'm wondering whether breasts bounce differently in 0.4g. 

That sounds wrong, but I'd be just as curious about bouncing penises! 

Could press delete. Will instead just nip off and shoot myself now.

Mindy

\---

From: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 12, 2037, 4:45 PM  
Subject: Re: preview version

Website is responsive and the interface feels pretty intuitive, but it looks bandwidth intensive. I hope your site admin staff have a load balancing plan in place.

Started his entry on Sol 6. I need a drink before trying to watch anymore.

\--- 

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 12, 2037, 4:50 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: preview version

My site staff tell me that they have five. Ask them for exact details because I won't know what I'm talking about.

Skimmed through some entries that my interns flagged. I'm going to review regs on publishing, because this looks like a potential bestseller. He'd have to tone down the frat humor---though I suppose it's a lost cause with all the boob jokes he made on the record---but has Watney ever thought about running for office?

\---

From: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 12, 2037, 5:16 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: preview version

We don't do that particular psych assessment anymore.

Also, Ares returns to Earth orbit on December 21, but there's no guarantee that any of the astronauts will be available for PR purposes given how long they've spent in min-g. They may be available via remote linkup, but I wouldn't count on any more than that. 

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 12, 2037, 5:17 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: preview version

F***. Not ideal, but like Congress, it's what we've got. 

(This message has been censored for content due to system filtering parameters. If clarity has been grossly affected, please e-mail mailbox filter control with the message ID to receive the unfiltered original.)


	7. Chapter 7

From: DJ Blond Beard, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Mindy Bark Dark Fark Hark Lark Mark Park Quark, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 13, 2037, 8:45 AM  
Subject: Partyin' Partyin' (Yeah!)

I spent most of my morning exam and breakfast time trying to rewrite "gotta have my bowl gotta have my cereal" into a warning for awesome. Since I failed, Captain Blond Beard will just tell you that the Hermes will be AWESOME Sunday night.

I don't know if I want to eat fries, but I definitely want pictures, even if they're dirty vegan pictures. Boob pictures also okay.

Watney

PS Your last name is ridiculously convenient for rhyming. I can't think of a single thing that rhymes with Watney. 

\---

From: Mindy Park, Life Status TBD, NASA-JSC  
To: DJ *Mission Specialist* Blond Beard, Ares 3  
Date: June 13, 2037, 12:17 PM  
Subject: Watney is the new orange is the new ....

If we're just rhyming that last syllable, then Watney's got more possibilities than Park. If you're trying to rhyme all of it, then the best I can do is probably Cockney and Mockney, which aren't even true rhymes. The topic of any song with those rhymes instantly becomes one about you becoming a fantasy member of the Beatles. 

Watney in the Sky with (Vicodin) Diamonds! 

(It's a work in progress.)

That club was busy last night to the point where both Lo and I had serious reservations about going in. We prodded ourselves into line because it was For Mark (10%) but mostly for the vegan chili cheese fries (90%). Seriously, the alternative would have been to go home, pack Lo's stuff up some more while quoting all of _Hot Fuzz_ to each other from memory for the fourth Friday in a row. We actually tried to think of some alternatives while in line, but apparently we are not very good at being spontaneously creative.

Anyway, the bouncer waved us in. I swear it was like walking into class on my first day of Mechanics and Materials. I could see this visible reaction ripple that went through the room when the male customers realized that two unescorted women had just walked in. I want to say that it was funny, like a fanfic about sex pollen, but everything is intimidating when there's several hundred gallons of millinery versus two of us. Luckily the staff had more sense than we did and planted one of their biggest guys near us. Deshawn is awesome, also he ate most of our cheese fries.

I can't tell you anything about the dancing because neither of us could see very well against the flashing lights. Deshawn ended up smuggling us backstage after two sets because both Lo and I were getting dizzy from the heat, and we hung out with the dancers in their communal dressing area until we went home. They were pretty interested to hear that we work for NASA, and I think it might have turned into an impromptu informational interview, though one with lots of aggressively groomed body parts on view. They told us to pass along that you get a special discount on your lap dances once you're, you know, back on Earth.

The chili cheese fries looked more like a vegan poutine that had been sprinkled with well-seasoned gluten meat. The vegan cheese curds didn't taste quite right, but we were really impressed by how well they melted. We were trying hard to be creative, so Deshawn borrowed a few potatoes for us to Make Art for you. Well, really Tanya made the Art (for you). Tanya is awesome too. I think she's got enough bits glued on to make it through the system filters.

Mindy

postscript: Besides the obvious (see: your attempt at a list), you forgot the following: Aardvark Ark Bismarck Clark Sark Shark Snark Spark Stark

post-postscript: Note that the above list does not include compound words, such as pockmark, postmark and my favorite, deutschemark.

Attachment: [nudepotatojuggling.png]

\---

From: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
To: Lolo Walters, Propulsion Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 13, 2037, 8:20 PM  
Subject: Re: help with moving on Sunday

Sure, I can be there. Who are they? The name sounds familiar.

Also, am I meeting you there or are you coming back to the apartment?

At 6:13 PM, Lolo Walters wrote:
    
    
    The Hutches need a few more hands to help them separate households tomorrow. It'll be hot, so we'll be starting at 8:30 AM. 
    
    If you can come, PLEASE reply to this email. Remember to wear loose, cool clothing and close toed shoes. They'll have plenty of water and there will be food afterwards. Ask me for the address if you don't have it.

\---

From: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
To: Lolo Walters, Propulsion Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 13, 2037, 8:39 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: help with moving on Sunday

Oh, wow, okay. See you soon.

At 8:24 PM, Lolo Walters wrote:
    
    
    I'm not sure if you've ever met, but Brendan Hutch is a flight controller for Ares 3. He and his wife are getting a divorce, but they held off on actually separating until Watney got off of Mars. Tell you more when I get home.

\---

From: Melissa Lewis, Flight Commander, Ares 3  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 15, 2037, 7:10 AM  
Subject: Very funny

Just my luck there are two of you. This is an abomination to disco.

\---

From: Beth Johanssen, Flight Engineer, Ares 3  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 15, 2037, 9:00 AM  
Subject: Wow!

I haven't heard music like this since my Opa's house! Where'd you find it?! 

\---

From: Christopher Beck, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 15, 2037, 9:01 AM  
Subject: In the words of Liam Neeson 

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you refrain from inflicting any more music like this on us via Mark, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.


	8. Chapter 8

From: Melissa Lewis, Mission Commander, Ares 3  
To: Robert Lewis, Department of Integrative Biology, UT-Austin  
Date: June 15, 2037, 9:17 AM  
Subject: Mystery music ID

The two jokers on my crew rigged all of our alarms to wake us up with accordion disco music. We couldn't turn it off and snoozing started the track over. I thought about reprimanding them, but the threat of Beck snapping may be enough to keep them in line for at least a month. I caught Johanssen humming the tune during breakfast and he looked about 30 seconds away from stabbing her with all of his utensils.

In the meantime, Name That Tune!

attachment: [discoalarm.mp4]

\---

From: Police Constable Mark Watney, Sanford Police Service, Ares 3  
To: Mindy Park, Jumping through the air whilst firing two guns at once, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 15, 2037, 9:28 AM  
Subject: No luck catching them killers, then?

First things first.

COCKNEYS ARE FROM LONDON. THE BEATLES ARE FROM LIVERPOOL. THEY ARE NOT COCKNEY.

I had the choice between overdosing on Commander Lewis's 70s fetish stash or Johanssen's marginally less disturbing fixation on all things English. It came down to deciding what kind of music I still want to listen to if I came home, and disco seemed easier to live without. However, anyone not raised by wolves should know that the Beatles are not from London, so I conclude that you were raised by wolves. I'm sure your mom is a scary lawyer, but she's still a scary lawyer wolf.

(Look at all the your mom jokes I didn't make. I'm growing as a person!) 

Because you're into details, Michael Caine as Alfred Pennyworth and the main actress in that musical about the rain in Spain (she had a giant hat on?) are both Cockneys. The only Mockneys I can think are all in Beatles tribute bands. Now get it right or pay the price.

Martinez and I planned a neverending disco party on Sunday night, but not being the goddess of code that is Beth Johanssen, we had to reschedule the awesome. Rick had the idea of setting everyone's alarms to your accordion disco playlist, and I may have done a few things to the controls so that the only way to turn it off was to listen to the whole thing. We were going to suffer stoically until Beck listed the medical procedures that he could authorize on our behalf, at which point we realized:

1\. NASA put the first astronauts through a hell of a lot of rectal examinations, all of which are still on the books.  
2\. Beck really hated your music.

So, yeah, he knows your name now. You may receive some emails soon if you haven't already.

It's only 9 and the first day of light duty already is kicking my rectum. I have to look over Martinez and Vogel's attempt at doing my experiments, and later do all of the paperwork that the crew "donated" to me for the day.

Can also report that I have no problems with _looking_ at potatoes, especially Tanya's.

Watney

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 15, 2037, 11:16 AM  
Subject: Watney logs set for Wednesday launch

CNN wants to run the edited footage in prime time. They want to feature talking heads to explain the footage, and they specifically requested guests from JSC. I need recommendations for employees who can explain things clearly to a cable news audience. 

\---

From: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 15, 2037, 11:24 AM  
Subject: Re: Watney logs set for Wednesday launch

We're already running into staffing issues because OPM is still dragging their heels. Can't you send employees from your office? 

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 15, 2037, 11:31 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: Watney logs set for Wednesday launch

CNN insists on "real" scientists, which is a joke considering their own fact-checking standards. Unfortunately they've interacted with my staff enough to know if my employees lie about their credentials.

If there are any potentials you're not sure about, ask them to explain what the One Ring is in three sentences or less. If they can do it without veering into the Silmarillion, send them to my office.

\---

From: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 15, 2037, 11:33 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Watney logs set for Wednesday launch

Looks like someone's graduated to the nerd major leagues.

\---

From: Brendan Hutch, Ares Flight Controller, NASA-JSC  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 15, 2037, 11:55 AM  
Subject: Re: Idaho

Attached is the contact info you wanted. I can ask my advisor to call Dr. Tyson if you think it would help.

The move went smoothly, thanks for sending us pizza. Erin is moving to Phoenix for work next month and I want to live closer to JSC. Is there anything for sale in your neighborhood?

Attachment: [contactinfo.csv]

\---

From: Mindy Park, Hag, NASA-JSC  
To: Mark Watney, Fascist, Ares 3  
Date: June 15, 2037, 1:15 PM  
Subject: It's just the one killer, actually

Hey, I'm genre savvy. I never said I was pop culture savvy. 

This will be ubershort today because I have to prep for a s******* of meetings this afternoon. The biggest news is that I'm going to be out of a job after Thursday. :( I was originally hired for the recent graduates program, but now my job is against a hard cutoff for renewal and there are no open positions that they can transition me into/into which they can transition me (?). I think I said that there's supposedly more funding, but given that the federal government works at the speed of Congress, it won't come in time to keep me employed here. In the meantime, I've updated my CV and have been begging for introductions to anyone hiring. Thanks to your email, now I have to try really hard not to make your mom jokes at my exit interview. Fear not, my email privileges will carry over even when I am unemployed and consuming nothing but yogurt and vodka, if you're into talking to lactose-intolerant drunks.

The one bright side is that I'll have more time to help Lo plan her wedding. I keep telling her that she and Lee should change their last names to Multipass in time to get it printed on the invitations, but she's ignoring my advice.

I have to go exert my will over some Martian satellites now. Nrgh.

Mindy

(This message has been censored for content due to system filtering parameters. If clarity has been grossly affected, please e-mail mailbox filter control with the message ID to receive the unfiltered original.)

\---

From: Melissa Lewis, Mission Commander, Ares 3  
To: Robert Lewis, Department of Integrative Biology, UT-Austin  
Date: June 16, 2037, 8:32 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: Mystery music ID

Babe, I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

At 2:04 PM, June 15, 2037, Robert Lewis wrote:
    
    
    That's Myron Floren from the Lawrence Welk Orchestra! I'm pretty sure the song is from his Disco Polka album. It's never been re-released in any form, so it's super-rare.
    
    Could you ask your jokers if either of them has the original vinyl?


	9. Chapter 9

From: Markaharu Watneymoto, Iron Chef Japanese, Ares 3  
To: Hiromindy Parkai, Iron Chef French, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 16, 2037, 8:41 AM  
Subject: Fukui-san?

I am fully willing to exploit my modest amount of influence on your behalf, especially if you can find a job that allows, no, _demands_ on-the-clock your mom jokes. NASA is sadly not such an organization, and Commander Lewis definitely does not run that sort of mission.

Last night I dreamed that I was on Iron Chef as a challenger. I should have known that potato would be the theme ingredient. It wouldn't have been so bad, since I didn't have to eat it, except then I realized that there were no other ingredients except for potatoes, no condiments except grated potato dust, and worst of all, that I had to first carve all of my cookware and tools out of giant potatoes with my teeth. 

I may have woken Martinez up from his soundless assassin sleep. I also may have overshared. Slightly better was the after-action midnight snack. Solid food is delightful. 

How is Mars today?

Watney

\---

From: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 16, 2037, 9:01 AM  
Subject: NASA correspondence

Appreciate you letting Mindy write to me. She's been a trip. 

Now that I've been cleared for light duty, should I be writing to any of the other SatCon or Mars operations employees?

Watney

\---

From: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
To: Alex Enwezor-Papadopoulos, Director of Human Resources, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 16, 2037, 9:12 AM  
Subject: Term employees

So let me get this straight:

1\. We can't extend any term employee contracts, especially the RGP ones, once they reach their hard cutoff date.

2\. We can't convert term employees to another term contract because only paid internship positions are still available, and none of them qualify for those.

3\. We can't convert term employee contracts to career or career-conditional positions if these positions don't currently exist.

4\. We can't hold on to them for conversion to future career or career-conditional positions because conversion is only possible while they are on their current contracts.

At this point, is groveling still an option? Is there anyone left to whom I can debase myself to fix this?

\---

From: Alex Enwezor-Papadopoulos, Director of Human Resources, NASA-JSC  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 16, 2037, 9:16 AM  
Subject: Re: Term employees

I'm throwing you under the bus when we get FOIA'd.

\---

From: Programming and Development at The Food Network  
To: Office of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 16, 2037, 10:25 AM  
Subject: An exciting programming opportunity!

Dear Ms. Montrose,

To celebrate Mark Watney's return to Planet Earth, the Food Network is coming to Houston for the 2037 Christmas Season! We are inviting the Astronaut Corps and employees involved in the rescue operation to participate in our slate of space-related holiday specials, including:

 **Man versus Food: Houston**  
(a co-presentation with the Travel Channel)

Host Sarah Richman will tuck into iconic dishes of Houston, Texas, where our Astronaut Corps trains and lives. We'll get to know the local cuisine that has shaped our new American heroes.

**Kitchen Hacks: The Meal Pack Special**

You don't need to go to outer space to enjoy a meal pack. Our kitchen experts will show you simple tricks to amp up the flavor in all kinds of commercially available MREs, ending with a spectacular holiday meal made entirely from meal packs!

**Iron Chef America: the Potato Battle!**

The Chairman has been following the continuing expeditions to Mars and would like to contribute his modest efforts! He assembles his Iron Chefs to explore the culinary limits of the humble POTATO.

and much more!

In addition, Johnson Space Center employees will receive access to a reserved block of audience tickets to watch the taping of these and other great holiday programming....

\---

From: Chairmindy Parka, If Memory Serves Me Right, NASA-JSC  
To: Markaharu Watneymoto, Iron Chef Japanese, Ares 3  
Date: June 16, 2037, 1:49 PM  
Subject: ALLEZ CUISINE

So, I have to start by telling you that I had no idea what you were talking about. I acknowledge the limitations on my nerdery (I know it's not a word, but go with it anyway), but this was a void in my existence that I didn't even know I was missing.

(Void, your mom, something? Aaaand fail.)

I managed to restrain myself until lunch time before researching Iron Chef. I regret this decision now, because I was literally getting hungrier **while eating my lunch** as I watched the Pork Belly Battle. And because NASA employees are nosy bastards, a crowd congregated around me, including my supervisor, who revealed herself as a closet Japanophile foodie of the highest order. She's been a good but distant mentor, but at that moment we bonded **ionically**.

(Many excitement. Much bold! **Wow**.)

Mars is fine today, but it was looking a bit dusty around the northern quarter of Schiaparelli. I think it misses you.

Now that I've reverted ownership of the Martian satellites back to rest of the office, I'm slogging through several petabytes of backlogged satellite imagery. There are a lot of redundant images because of the overlapping orbital trajectories, and I think I can hack together an algorithm to make stereograms out of the available flat images based on satellite positioning, geographic coordinates and maybe radar-based depth measurements. I don't know who would be interested, but doesn't it sound cool?

Mindy

\---

From: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
To: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
Date: June 16, 2037, 2:26 PM  
Subject: Re: NASA correspondence

I do have a list, and it would be nice if you can find some time to do so. Mostly I was hoping that she would talk to you. Mindy was the one who found you alive, and she's been working around the clock for the past two years keeping an eye on you.

\---

From: Leslie White, Supervisory Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 16, 2037, 3:37 PM  
Subject: CV

I need the most recent version of your CV. Attachment is okay.

If you want to watch more Iron Chef, I have fansubbed originals, even episodes of Iron Chef Japanese that they didn't bother to show here.

\---

From: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 6:59 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: NASA correspondence

Oh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original Iron Chef featured the following Potato Battles. In chronological order:
> 
> 1\. Chen Kenichi v Katsuyo Kobayashi  
> 2\. Michiba Rokusaburo v Lin Kunbi (tie, went on to OT)  
> 3\. Nakamura Koumei (the "lost" Iron Chef Japanese) v Yoshinori Kojima  
>  _There were equipment problems during this battle, so many that the Chairman ordered an immediate rematch with another ingredient. This episode is available on Youtube without subtitles._  
>  4\. Chen Kenichi v Kentarou  
> 5\. Morimoto Masaharu v Michael Noble
> 
> Venkat's email about term employees was checked against OPM regulations as well posed hypothetically to several federal employee friends who were greatly bewildered by the experience.


	10. Chapter 10

From: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
To: All NASA Employees  
Date: June 17, 2037, 8:45 AM  
Subject: [ANNOUNCEMENT] Public Release of Watney Logs

Dear Colleagues,

NASA Media will publicly release the personal logs of Mission Specialist Mark Watney today. The first installment, comprising of personal logs and recordings on Sol 6 from both the Hab and the orbital satellites, will air on NASA Television and will be available for streaming on our website starting at 7:30 PM CST. Future edited compilations will become accessible from both venues on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. While public demand for these logs have been overwhelming, we would not have released them had Mark not specifically requested that we do so. 

The JSC media team and my office made the decision to release these logs uncensored, editing only for nudity in accordance with FCC regulations. Many of them, including the first entries, are very upsetting to watch. Counselors continue to be available at all NASA centers and facilities, as well as via our medical hotline, if you wish to talk to someone about what you have seen or experienced.

Finally, your employment at NASA is not a secret. Post premiere, it is probable that you may be interviewed, either about your role in the rescue operation or about your knowledge of Mission Specialist Watney. To the first, we request that all employees use your best judgment and proceed with discretion in accordance with our code of conduct. To the second, we ask that you respect his privacy. 

We know that there are those who have publicly disagreed with our decision to rescue Mark. However, we committed wholeheartedly to this course of action, and we have quietly produced some truly remarkable research alongside our more public failures. I hope you will take pride in what we have accomplished.

Best,  
Teddy Sanders  
Administrator of NASA

\---

From: Alex Enwezor-Papadopoulos, Director of Human Resources, NASA-JSC  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 9:24 AM  
Subject: OPM update on term employees

My groveling (you owe me) resulted in the final word that OPM doesn't regard this as an actionable issue. We can reach out to EOPOTUS to see if they can do something, but even they'll tell you that we'd be burning political capital for nothing. 

In short, we're going to have to go with the stupid option. The one that's got a giant "I told you so" flashing on it.

\---

From: Charlene Ng, Automation Group, Intel Corporation  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 10:01 AM  
Subject: Employment at Intel

Dear Mindy,

Leslie White forwarded me your CV. We were very excited to read about your extensive experience in managing Martian satellites, especially in designing algorithms that maximize their functional efficiency. As you may know, Intel is a leader in industrial automation, and the Automation Group here in Portland is always looking for innovative individuals to make our manufacturing process even better. I invite you to submit a formal application, and I look forward to meeting you.

Great job on rescuing Mark!

Charlene

Group Leader, Automation  
x7965, Ronler Acres Campus

\---

From: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
To: Alex Enwezor-Papadopoulos, Director of Human Resources, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 10:27 AM  
Subject: Re: OPM update on term employees

Message received. Stupid option is go.

Annie gave CNN Connie and J from Ares 2 for the first episode. Since I have to be in Huntsville tomorrow, she volunteered me as backup. What can I order that's vegetarian and not a salad in this town?

\---

From: Boris Johnston, Vice President of Human Resources, SpaceX  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 10:59 AM  
Subject: Come work for SpaceX!

Mindy, 

Awesome job rescuing Mark! We would love to have you onboard as part of our management team for the SpaceX Satellite Constellation. Put in a formal application and we'll schedule an interview ASAP.

Let me know if you have any questions!

Boris

\---

From: Annie Montrose at Gmail  
To: Brendan Hutch at Gmail  
Date: June 17, 2037, 11:01 AM  
Subject: Re: Idaho

Your warning about NDT was spot on. He tried to give me shit about Ellis's campaign, but he'll play ball.

\---

From: Annie Montrose at Gmail  
To: Undisclosed Recipient(s)  
Date: June 17, 2037, 11:24 AM  
Subject: money

You're not hearing me. 

What you've suggested is a legislative shitfest waiting to happen. A surge in unrestricted donations (which we by law can't actively solicit) won't change Congressional minds except in the direction of **reducing** allocations for NASA in successive years. 

NASA accomplishments make voters feel good, but legislators would rather have pork. The result of what you've suggested gives both parties the excuse to unzip their pants and go a few rounds with a magnifying glass over the pittance freed up from NASA.

What about something like the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, funded with private donations?

\---

From: Mindyba Parkusaburo, (Not) the Delacroix of French Cooking, NASA-JSC  
To: Marken Watneychi, the Szechuan Sage, Ares 3  
Date: June 17, 2037, 12:47 PM  
Subject: Bang a Gong and We Are On

So, I spent last evening filling the hole in my life that was Iron Chef. Lo conked out after two episodes, but I must have watched another two or three. The last thing I remember was Iron Chef Chinese trying to figure out how to feature yogurt in his Szechuanese cuisine. I'm _mostly_ glad about having this strange and wonderful program in my life, but having Chairman Kaga as the mixmaster of my dreams is a profounding disturbing experience. 

I'm emailing you at lunch because the AC in SatCon has been broken since 10. It's even more humid in the office than outside, which seems impossible for Houston in June. I figured that you would rather enjoy words from a relatively gruntled Mindy Park (in the AC'd cafeteria with the laptop) rather than the disgruntled and dehydrated bags of mostly water that will be the SatCon staff this afternoon. It's not like there's anything interesting to stare at on Mars now that we've Marknapped you.

Good news item one! I have prospects! I was in a panic and must have plastered the Houston area with temp applications along with the pathetic but more legitimate pleas for positions more relevant to my skill set. I'm still not sure how "spying on Mark Watney with spy satellites" translates to "let's play with industrial robots at Intel", but my inner Scrooge McDuck is squealing at the prospect of continued solvency and the possibility of not having to live in Texas any longer. But mostly, yay, I'm hireable! My self-esteem overfloweth.

Good news item two! My mom emailed this morning. She was preparing for a big case and forgot about the Squids of Doom. They are now stupidly overpickled and "smell too unpleasant for eating" (her words). My guess is that she'll freeze it and then throw it into the kimchi this winter, but then again both her fridge freezer and the chest freezer are always full, so excuse me while I shed a tear over its possible demise. :D:D:D

Mindy

postscript: Just found out that the retro anthem of my teen years is originally by some guy and his Schon Dells (?). While mildly world-altering, when I think we're alone now, I always mean me, Tiffany and her mad 80s synth beats.

\---

From: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
To: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
Date: June 17, 2037, 2:18 PM  
Subject: On a marginally serious note

I'm clearing through my lower-priority mailboxes, and I apparently made a note to ask you about your logs. That mysterious thing that I never did find out about last week was apparently the internal test, and the public release is tonight. 

It's not really a question, actually. I just wanted to tell you that I won't be watching them. It's not really relevant to my job and I usually get a better sense of the person if I ask him (you) whether he (you) like(s) the Spice Girls.

Mindy

postscript: .- -- / -- . .-.. - .. -. --. / ... . -. -.. / .. -.-. .

post-postscript: I ran into my friend from media relations (and sweated all over him). He just told me that they'll be camped out in their office in shifts for the next week, which is fabulously hardcore and will smell absolutely disgusting (like me!) by the end of it. 

\---

From: Leslie White, Supervisory Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
CC: Alex Enwezor-Papadopoulos, Director of Human Resources, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 2:31 PM  
Subject: come to my office

Anything you have left, you can finish later by telecommuting. Come to my office ASAP. 

\---

From: Ann Taylor Corporate  
To: Mindy Park at Gmail  
Date: June 17, 2037, 7:00 PM  
Subject: Thank you for your application!

Dear Ms. Park,

Thank you for submitting an application to work at Ann Taylor! Unfortunately we are currently not hiring in HOUSTON, TEXAS, at this time. Your application will be on file for 90 days, and you are welcome to log in to our online application system to indicate additional cities where you are able to work. We'll keep you in mind if a position becomes open.

Thank you for your interest!


	11. Chapter 11

From: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
To: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
Date: June 17, 2037, 7:13 PM  
Subject: This is the crack team that foils my every plan?

I got home two hours ago. Since then, I've been lying in the middle of the living room, trying to convince my body that a office without AC in the Texan summer is not actually hell. The apartment thermostat reads sixty-something and the power bill this month will be horrendous, but in the meantime, wild, arm-waving hurrahs for atmospheric cooling technology WOOOOO!!!

(Typing while lying down is surprisingly uncomfortable.)

More whinging about the weather: as I was driving home, the local NPR host announced that the high today was "only" ninety-something but that it felt like "a hundred and something". First of all, the fact that they're still reporting temperature in Imperial units makes my heart bleed, and second, he sounded genuinely excited by it! I want to send them an irate letter about editorializing the weather, but I'd need to be upright, and that's not happening until I get waffles. 

Just to update you on my job safari, since my last email, I have received:

  * Three rejections from temp gigs in town. Banana Republic thinks that results of my online personality test may not mesh well with their retail operations. I'd boycott their products, but given that Ann Taylor also doesn't want me as an employee, I first need to find an alternate place from which to buy work clothes. Any suggestions? 
  * A second offer to interview at an automation unit, this time at AMD. What is it about me that seems like a good fit with industrial robots? 
  * A proposal for me to remain a NASA employee. This last one is the reason for your email overdose today. I will probably regret sending the rest of this email in a minute, but that's a whole minute in the future. So, pft.
  * And a partridge in a pear tree. 



To preface, at my exit interview, my supervisor had explained that I would have been hired a career-track employee, except there are currently no FTE positions available. This afternoon, she called me back into her office and told me that while Congress has passed an interim appropriations bill that allocated enough money to pay for all of the overtime, there isn't any actual money for actual, real life in front of your very eyes full-time positions until the next fiscal year, which starts in October.

So, through a complicated chain of regulation FUBAR, I have been f*****. 

However, my bosses and grand-bosses worked Tirelessly to formulate the great Mindy Park Employment Caper of 2037, details as follows:

  1. They will craft a USA Jobs posting tailored to my CV, posting date in the near future but as yet unknown 
  2. I will respond to said job posting with a carefully crafted application loaded with all of the keywords that Leslie may have revealed during today's meeting 
  3. ???????? 
  4. Work at JSC (again)...? 



I waited for five months between interviewing, getting hired and starting this job in the Pathways program. Somehow I doubt that the waiting period for a career-track position is any shorter, even if they did promise to expedite the hiring process. This seemed like a legitimate concern, so I asked about it, and their solution is to tell me to do a Ph.D. while I wait, and then Leslie gives me a list of graduate programs that have already tentatively committed to admitting me pending an interview. 

On the one hand, it was really nice of them to have thought of everything. Useless letters after my name! Faster promotions! Higher starting pay! Parental bragging rights in the progeny credential arms race!

On the other hand, this is officially the stupidest thing that I have ever heard in my life. Is this how the federal government actually solves problems, by Rube Goldberg machines?! I'd be doing a degree that I didn't want to do two and a half years ago just so I can come back to work for an organization that thinks that this constitutes a reasonable solution. Worse yet, I'd do it for the dubious privilege of living in Texas until I retire.

The worst part is, I'm leaning towards saying yes so that I can continue working here. Well, even if I agree to their plan, I may go interview at Intel just to get a trip to Portland. Okay, my ethics are quailing, maybe not.

Today makes NASA's organizational paranoia about margins of safety totally reasonable, because we end up with s*** solutions like this when they panic. 

In the meantime, my need for waffles has become pressing. Good night.

Mindy

(This message has been censored for content due to system filtering parameters. If clarity has been grossly affected, please e-mail mailbox filter control with the message ID to receive the unfiltered original.)

\---

From: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 7:21 PM  
Subject: Watney logs

Was POTUS not given an advanced copy?

T

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
Date: June 17, 2037, 7:22 PM  
Subject: Re: Watney logs

A courier dropped off the final edit five minutes ago. No one is getting an advanced copy.

Who whined?

\---

From: Lolo Walters, Propulsion Systems Engineer, NASA-JSC  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 7:23 PM  
Subject: Re: bowling?

Lee wants to watch it, but I'll go if we can stop at the grocery store.

\---

From: Mindy Park, Zog? What do you mean Zog?, NASA-JSC  
To: Lolo Walters, Zog Yes? Zog No?, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 7:26 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: bowling?

Sure, but we're getting waffles first.

We're also out of frozen peas and angry lady chili sauce.

\---

From: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 7:28 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Watney logs

No comment.

T

\---

From: Alison Wainwright, Information Technology Specialist, NASA-JSC  
To: Sandeep Kulkarni, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 24, 2037, 7:33 PM  
Subject: Website update

Our servers are getting hugged to death. Switching everything to lightweight mobile versions until further notice.

\---

From: Alison Wainwright, Information Technology Specialist, NASA-JSC  
To: Sandeep Kulkarni, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 7:36 PM  
Subject: NASA website outage 1934 CST

Main website down. Applying a patch. Video streaming interrupted.

\---

From: Alison Wainwright, Information Technology Specialist, NASA-JSC  
To: Sandeep Kulkarni, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 7:40 PM  
Subject: NASA website outage 1939 CST

Image galleries crashed. We're applying another patch. Video streaming inaccessible for new clients. Back in <1 minute. 

\---

From: Alison Wainwright, Information Technology Specialist, NASA-JSC  
To: Sandeep Kulkarni, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 7:48 PM  
Subject: NASA website outage 1946 CST

Main website down again. Video streaming still holding.

You need more contingency plans.

\---

From: Blair Woo, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 8:01 PM  
Subject: English language social media update

#BringHimHome number one trending hashtag. NASA, Ares, and Watney tags in top 25. Since 7 PM, microsite URL has been shared 4.3 million times for a total of 6 million times today. 

On the flip side, we've been getting conspiracy tweets about the Hab footage and the visual editing. Apparently it looks too professional to have been shot on Mars.

We've also received an increased volume of DMs (1000x) about becoming a candidate for the astronaut corps.

\---

From: Margaret Hooper, Senior Assistant, NASA-JSC  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 9:09 PM  
Subject: Out-of-Office Media Relations Daily Summary

Ares & Watney Logs

1200+ Press inquiries.

  * As expected, all of the major domestic networks want to feature astronauts on their morning shows. We said yes to _Morning Edition_ and two other shows, but several deferrals need your review before our 10 PM (CST) conference call. 
  * CBS is now offering financial incentives to be the first to interview Watney. 
  * BBC Natural History Unit wants to collaborate with us for a Planet Mars series 
  * Sesame Workshop wants to do an astronaut special. They want the entire Ares 3 crew and is offering script approval. 



Overnight numbers and the total social media breakdown will be on your desk by OOB tomorrow. Nielsen predicted that the _Watney Report_ will be #1 in its time slot in cable ratings. Nielsen emailed a few minutes ago to say that NASA TV may have won its time slot as well.

ISS2:

  * None



General JSC:

  * There was a camera crew shooting something near the main entrance. Security got their plates and chased them away before they shot too much footage, but we notified the General Counsel's office in case someone tries to claim an official commercial endorsement.



Other messages:

  * Your brother wants to know if you're coming to the family reunion.



attachment: [20370624_guest_offers.csv]

\---

From: Mindy Park at Gmail  
To: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
CC: Enze Bo, Ares Communications Coordinator, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 17, 2037, 10:50 PM  
Subject: mostly harmless

Still not crazy about NASA HR's problem solving skills, but Lo and I had waffles and then bowled and I am now 54% over it. 

To return to our normal scheduled frivolity, I'll tell you that I'd never seriously thought about what a butt print looked like until today. Apparently one sweats through one's whole outfit and not just one's shirt in an office sauna. There were a series of shiny figure 8's in chairs that I had sat in, and the heat kicked my a** so badly that I actually wondered out loud _to my supervisor_ about what they were. 

In the interest of preserving my tattered dignity, I'm going to pretend that it didn't happen when I go in for my last day of work tomorrow. I still looked stupid in front of Leslie, but having admitted this in writing, I am secure in the knowledge that at least one of you (markmarkmarMARKmarkMark) will look similarly stupid while gathering data upon reception of this email.

Mindy 

postscript: This is my personal email account. After tomorrow, future emails will come from this address until I get rehired by NASA or until you land, whichever comes first.

(This message has been censored for content due to system filtering parameters. If clarity has been grossly affected, please e-mail mailbox filter control with the message ID to receive the unfiltered original.)


	12. Chapter 12

From: Houston Public Media  
To: Mindy Park at Gmail  
Date: June 18, 2037, 8:16 AM  
Subject: Re: Weather!

Dear Ms. Park,

While we'll have to disagree with your statement that Houston summers are "manifestations of Hell on Earth and should be discussed with appropriate dread and resignation", it's true that our new host, Jacob, did get a little too excited while reporting on the heat wave yesterday. He just came to us from Wisconsin Public Radio and is still amazed at summers that last more than 24 hours, but he'll learn.

Thanks for writing, and don't forget to donate during our summer membership drive!

\----

From: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer (until the end of the day), NASA-JSC  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations (Hail Caesar), NASA-JSC  
Date: June 18, 2037, 11:00 AM  
Subject: Last day acknowledgements

Hey Dr. Kapoor,

I bet you didn't anticipate spending so much exempt overtime with a low-level peon (in a totally innocuous and non-suggestive manner) over the last two years. You have been an awesome boss, and I appreciate all of the sensible advice that you've given me, especially considering the fact that you were half out of your mind whenever I saw you. I hope you'll take some vacation time now that Congress has committed to funding Ares until the next fiscal year. 

Since I'm not around to give you any back talk, do you have any wisdom to impart as security boots me out of here? 

Best,  
Mindy

\---

From: Mindy Park, Confuse-a-cat Inc., NASA-JSC  
To: Mark Watney, Bewilderebeest Inc., Ares 3  
Date: June 18, 2037, 1:56 PM  
Subject: Take out THE FUNNY THINGS

Does Ares get media updates? Morning Edition this morning was agog at the fact that something publicly funded became the biggest cable television sensation since Sharknado, whatever that is. Seriously, NASA TV won its time slot in cable ratings and the PR gossip is that CNN's next building should probably be named after you, as it will be built almost entirely out of Watney Report ad buys.

...I debated whether to speculate about CNN's potential reaction to another stranded astronaut on Ares X (there's some debate about whether X=4, 5 or 4.5). I decided that it would violate the spirit of frivolity to which I have devoted this email, so instead I'll tell you that having finished my satellite analysis, reverting orbital control ownership to the office and bringing a fan and some cupcakes to the now-delightfully chilly office and my becalmed and unsmelly office mates, I have absolutely nothing to do.

Well, that's not true. Cupcakes were passively eaten (so that no calories can be assigned to a consumer), then a cubicle was cleaned and files were backed up by a good user (no lusers here, thanks). Potential dissertation topics were even noodled upon, but as topics were not generated, a copy of Physics for Dummies was flipped through, as a copy had been given to this user as a present. 

On more active subjects, eight hours of sleep was apparently not enough for me to commit to NASA's vision of my professional future. I contacted Intel last night about interviewing there soon, and they'd emailed by OOB this morning to ask whether a Monday flight out and a Wednesday flight back would be convenient for me. By the time I'd driven to work, an engineer who had been a classmate in my Masters program had emailed me about dinner on Tuesday. I'm hoping I get a tour of their fabrication facility, as an alum once told me that their robotic delivery system looked like those claw robot thingys (thingies?) from TRON.

I've even devoted several moments to strategize ways for you to cash in on the Ares-Markguyver-Modern Astronaut Heroes craze. My best ideas so far has been to market further feats of your botanical-engineering insanity under the trademark "the Markguyver" (assuming that Richard Dean Anderson is still alive and wouldn't object, in some order) and a cookbook called "Against All Odds: Pootato Favorites from the Martian Frontier". Have concluded that I should keep my day job.

Going out tomorrow for some good, clean fun. The local theater is playing Hot Fuzz as part of their retro buddy cop series, and it seemed like the cherry on top of our overkill cake. May have to go as a Generically Asian Peace Lily if the Multipasses dress up like the bobbies.

Mindy

\---

From: Security Office, NASA-JSC  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 19, 2037, 3:00 PM  
Subject: [REMINDER] Exit Procedures

Dear MINDY PARK,

As your employment finishes with us today, please complete the following action items to ensure that proper security protocols have been followed:

1\. Please return your employee badge and security fob to the Security Office today. We are located on the first floor of Building 2. We will accept items until 4:30 PM.  
2\. Please make sure that the Security Office and your managers have up-to-date contact information for you.  
3\. Your NASA email address will remain functional for fourteen business days. It will return an automated message to the sender, and no messages sent to this account will be forwarded. Please review and customize the message to include your new contact information. We also suggest that you email colleagues to provide them with your new contact information.  
4\. You may return your parking pass to the Security Office. If we are closed, you may give your pass to the guard office at either Gate 1 or Gate 2.

Sincerely,  
NASA-JSC Security

\---

From: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 19, 2037, 8:36 AM  
Subject: South Korea

The State Department just relayed an official invitation from the Ministry of Culture, Sports, and Tourism via the ROK embassy for Watney to embark on a goodwill tour of the country when he returns. 

What's going on?

T

\---

From: Christopher Beck, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Ares Mission Control, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 19, 2037, 9:00 AM  
Subject: Medical Update

Mission Specialist Watney cracked one of his previously broken ribs (left sixth rib) last night in a non-work related incident. I have applied appropriate treatment and prescribed non narcotic painkillers. Pending reevaluation tomorrow, Watney will likely be unable to participate in the planned repair of the residential bunks. A full report and examination records, including medical imaging, will be submitted shortly.

Aside from the walking disaster, the other members of the crew continue to be healthy.

C. Beck

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
Date: June 19, 2037, 9:01 AM  
Subject: Re: South Korea

I have no idea. Is this all the information you have?

\---

From: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 19, 2037, 9:03 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: South Korea

They also invited Martinez. Find out as much as you can.

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
Date: June 19, 2037, 9:05 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: South Korea

Teddy, g****** it.

I'll have something to you before COB today.

(This message has been censored for content due to system filtering parameters. If clarity has been grossly affected, please e-mail mailbox filter control with the message ID to receive the unfiltered original.)

\---

From: Christopher Beck, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 19, 2037, 9:08 AM  
Subject: Congratulations

You made Mark laugh so hard, he cracked one of his ribs.

I can't decide whether I'm annoyed or impressed, because I've never actually seen this happen outside of textbooks.

\---

From: Mindy Park, Pathways RGP Orbital Engineer, NASA-JSC  
To: Christopher Beck, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
Date: June 19, 2037, 9:08 AM  
Subject: [AUTOMATED REPLY] Re: Congratulations

Dear colleague,

My Pathways program employment at SatCon completed yesterday, and I will no longer receive messages at this account. For work-related inquiries, please consult SatCon's updated task tree and bother the new chump. For personal inquiries, please send all tributes to my name at gmail dot com.

Best, Mindy Park

\---

From: Mark Watney, Sir Robin the Not So Brave, Ares 3  
To: Sir Not Appearing in This Film, Mindy Park at Gmail  
Date: June 19, 2037, 9:22 AM  
Subject: Re: Take out THE FUNNY THINGS

I have to admit, I'm mildly concerned about the number of emails that you sent me. Don't you have someone to talk to back on Earth? I'm stuck with five roommates until we either land or something else blows up. You have more options.

Beck's got me on the good stuff today and I keep getting distracted watching the floating bits around in my eye, so I'll try to keep this short. You should figure out what you want to do and then do go do go do it. Do you want to play with industrial robots or help privatized space travel? What do you want to do if you get rehired by NASA? 

If you're want engineering challenges while being compensated with buckets of money, then obviously the private sector is your best bet. You may never have a life again due to overtime and overwork, but it probably still won't be as horrible as your job during my Martian vacation. Also, stock options and perks. One of my friends at SpaceX contacted me back before we landed on Mars, and I still remember her talking about the free massages that they could get at the break lounge. Beck refuses to touch me until he can be sure that I won't break anything else. 

Back to my diatribe, if you enjoy space exploration at the speed of the federal government, a public pension, and/or exploring Mars and other parts of the cosmos that the private sector won't or can't commit to, then you should stay with a government organization like NASA. No one else has enough capital or willpower to make an exploration timetable that's as extensive or as long-term as ours. 

As to the degree, you have to ask yourself whether you'd be doing it because you want to or because someone else told you to. I'd worry less about you not having an idea (despite hearing three or four and I've known you for maybe a month) and more about burning out in a doctoral program from the pressure that you put on yourself. You and everyone else at NASA regularly throw out big ideas, but it looks insignificant in comparison to all the other big ideas floatng around. Also you're throwing hours or days instead of the months or years that a doctoral program would give you for the same problem, so of course your solutions might look half-a****.

Reading between the lines, Leslie sounds like she (and probably Venkat) have all but committed to hiring you, so you should mostly figure out if you actually want extra letters after your name or whether you'd benefit more from an extended vacation. I stupidly went from a Masters in ME directly into a doctoral program in Botany on probation. Burnout made that degree take much longer than it needed to.

tl;dr: Go read my thoughtful thoughts.

Mark

PS This was not as short as I thought it was going to be.

PPS Ginger Spice

PPPS That wasn't the question, was it? Maybe?

(This message has been censored for content due to system filtering parameters. If clarity has been grossly affected, please e-mail mailbox filter control with the message ID to receive the unfiltered original.)

\---

From: Enze Bo, Ares Communications Coordinator, NASA-JSC  
To: Mindy Park at Gmail  
Date: June 19, 2037, 10:09 AM  
Subject: Time sensitive question, respond ASAP

Are you available today? Media Relations had some questions about Mark's music packet that I hope you can answer.

\---

From: Lolo Walters, Propulsion Engineer, NASA-JSC  
To: Enze Bo, Ares Communicatons Coordinator, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 19, 2037, 12:05 PM  
Subject: Re: roommate question

No, she didn't mention going anywhere. We made plans for tonight.

I just tried phoning and texting, but she's not answering for me either. My lunch break's in thirty minutes if you need me to check on her.

At 11:58 AM, Enze Bo wrote:
    
    
    Lolo,
    
    I was told that you are Mindy Park's roommate. Did she mention any plans to leave Houston today? I can't reach her, and Media Relations has a pressing question that needs answering ASAP.
    

\---

From: Lolo Walters, Propulsion Engineer, NASA-JSC  
To: Enze Bo, Ares Communications Coordinator, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 19, 2037, 1:01 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: roommate question

She was asleep. I've been trying to wake her for the last fifteen minutes but she's still pretty groggy. I'll get her in as soon as I can, but I might take her to the facility clinic first.

\---

From: Enze Bo, Ares Communications Coordinator, NASA-JSC  
To: Lolo Walters, Propulsion Engineer, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 19, 2037, 1:10 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: roommate question

When she's ready, tell her to go to Media Relations in Building 13. Thanks.

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
Date: June 19, 2037, 3:09 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: South Korea

Apparently one of Venkat's employees sent some vintage Korean popular music to Watney during the last media refresh, both audio and video. While Beck was speaking during Wednesday's public crew update, Watney and Martinez were miming the choreography from one of those videos in the background. The same employee informed me (after laughing so hard that she cried...) that the music and choreography was from a Korean girl group song called "So Crazy" from the 2010s. 

My Billboard contact tells me that there's been 75k purchased downloads for the group since Wednesday. The average download number per month for this same song in 2036 was 5.

Is this enough information?

\---

From: Theodore Sanders, Administrator of NASA  
From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 19, 2037, 3:40 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: South Korea

I'll deal with the request. Tell them to dance to something American next time.


	13. Chapter 13

From: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
To: Mindy Park at Gmail  
Date: June 19, 2037, 8:30 AM  
Subject: Re: Last day acknowlegements

Mindy,

I'll take some vacation when Ares lands. But in the meantime, have more confidence in yourself. You'll succeed at whatever you decide to do, especially if you talk your next supervisor into bewildered submission like you did me.

\---

From: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 21, 9:22 AM  
Subject: Nomenclature

I nearly signed in at Marshall as the Director of Mark operations. 

\---

From: Mindy Park at Gmail  
To: Mark Watney, His Hips Don't Lie, Ares 3  
Date: June 19, 2037, 5:06 PM  
Subject: SHAKE IT OFF

I'll send you a sober response to your sensible advice later. In the meantime:

0\. Painkillers?!  
0.5 Break?!  
1\. The Internet deserves to be plastered with the coquettish beefcake that is Martinez.  
2\. EAT MORE THINGS, EAT ALL THE THINGS  
2.5 I can't serenade you about your smart car a** when the line is "dumps like a truck".  
3\. Painkillers?!  
3.5 Break?!

Plans requiring higher-level brain functions are on hold until more sleeping has occurred. Good night.

(This message has been censored for content due to system filtering parameters. If clarity has been grossly affected, please e-mail mailbox filter control with the message ID to receive the unfiltered original.)

\---

From: Mindy Park at Gmail  
To: Mark Watney, the Botany Guy!!!, Ares 3  
Date: June 20, 2037, 1:19 PM  
Subject: ALL HAIL SHOWER THOUGHTS

I tend to be smartest when I first wake up, but the best thoughts happen in the shower. Today's shower culminated in the stunning realization that Botany rhymes with Watney. 

I can't believe that I haven't thought of this until now.

I can't believe that you haven't thought of this until now!!!!!!!!

I still don't have a name for your fan club, but should the Markguyver not work out---or even if it does---I know that **Mark Watney the Botany Guy** will live in infamy _FOREVER_.

Mindy Park  
Ruler of the Mindysciples

\---

From: Mindy Park at Gmail  
To: Mark Watney, Holder of Undetermined Fanclub Names, Ares 3  
Date: June 20, 2037, 2:15 PM  
Subject: Less obvious, but still hurts

So I just poured a gallon of coffee into me. If it holds true to form, I'll be functional in a few minutes and will remain so before transitioning to being a twitchy insomniac mess by 7. I'd be unconscious more, but apparently Lo's having trouble with the person who's renting her chargers for the reception, so I have to go and figure that out, or buy some. 

I strongly suspect that she doesn't mean cellphone chargers. Then again, airports are made much more bearable with enough mobile chargers, and everyone at a wedding is busy thinking that they're better than the official photographer with their phone cameras anyway, so it makes sense to have extra chargers on hand, right?

Lacking motivation to Google, so it'll just remain a mystery until she tells me otherwise.

Brilliant thought #2: the problem may be that I'm too tired to know what I want right now. Jobs? Pft. Prestigious degree? Pffft. Shoving brownie bites into mouth as I stare at a k-drama? :D:D:D

Mindy

\---

From: Mitch Henderson, Ares 3 Flight Director, NASA-JSC  
CC: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mars operations, NASA-JSC; Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Ares 3 Crew  
Date: June 20, 2037, 2:20 PM  
Subject: Duty schedule rearrangement

Dear Crew,

With interest in NASA programming higher than ever, Media Relations is currently searching for ways to expand public outreach with your help. They've lined up several collaboration opportunities with scientists and media personalities, and we have decided to reconfigure the duty schedule to facilitate this programming work. I believe Annie has lined up Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson for the inaugural installments of whatever she's got planned. More details will forthcoming when I have them.

Please review the proposed schedule revisions. We'll discuss it again after the planned repairs.

MH

attachment: [20370620_proposed_master_schedule.csv]

\---

From: Mindy Park at Gmail  
To: Miyoung Kim, Director of Litigation, Intel Corporation  
Date: June 20, 2037, 6:01 PM  
Subject: Portland

This is kind of last minute, but I'm supposed to come in for a work interview on Monday and will stay until Wednesday. Do you have a pressing case? If not, can I stay with you? I've got a hotel room if you're busy.

Is Appa in town?

\---

From: Mark Watney, Mindysciple #4 (?), Ares 3  
To: Mindy Park at Gmail  
Date: June 21, 2037, 7:48 AM  
Subject: Re: ALL HAIL SHOWER THOUGHTS

You know why we didn't think of it? 

Because it was obvious.

But now Charlton Heston will have to pry it from my cold, dead American fingers.

Mark  
Still warm and alive and American, but also still on highly patriotic painkillers

\---

From: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 21, 2037, 8:01 AM  
Subject: Bill Nye

When we do the programming thing with Bill Nye, I humbly request being billed as Mark Watney the Botany Guy.

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
Date: June 21, 2037, 9:32 AM  
Subject: Re: Bill Nye

NO.

\--- 

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Mark Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Venkat Kapoor, Director of Mark operations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 21, 2037, 9:33 AM  
Subject: Re: Nomenclature

I know exactly what you mean.


	14. Chapter 14

From: Miyoung Kim, Director of Litigation, Intel Corporation  
To: Mindy Park at Gmail  
Date: June 21, 2037, 1:12 PM  
Subject: Re: Portland

ok

\---

From: Mindy Park at Gmail  
To: Miyoung Kim, Director of Litigation, Intel Corporation  
Date: June 21, 2037, 1:34 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Portland

Need more information, mom. Which question are you answering?

\---

From: Mindy Park at Gmail  
To: Mark Watney, Mechanical Botanist Heartthrob (?), Ares 3  
Date: June 21, 2037, 1:57 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: ALL HAIL SHOWER THOUGHTS

Packing for Portland and I am so excited. Seriously, I nearly cried when checking the weather forecast. The high is a very lovely 78 degrees and the low will be an even lovelier 56 degrees with _less than 50% humidity_. I have a list of things that I want to eat in town and another list of things to bring back, including bike- roasted coffee. One of my classmates in college used to hook up a blender to her bicycle and dare people to make smoothies with it, but is the coffee entirely roasted by energy generated from people pedaling? 

I haven't looked for a job since Pathways and I've basically lost any sense of decorum after the first three months of overtime in SatCon, so I'm nervous about everything from interview etiquette to appropriate wardrobe (I'll save that freak out for Lo unless you have anything to add). I have to give a job talk---I threw one together about satellite management--- and then interact in a normal and competent fashion with existing employees. They sound like such achievable goals when I say them out loud....

The internal briefing that I saw on Thursday said that Mission Control is letting you go ahead with repairs, but I haven't seen anything on CNN about that. Are things really that dire in the bunk section? I really hope someone will strap you down somewhere with a radio and a supply of consumables, just in case. Maybe we should work out a deep space-capable communication system in advance. 

Mindy

\---

From: Mindy Park at Gmail  
To: Mark Watney, Botanical Mechanic Heartthrob (?), Ares 3  
Date: June 21, 2037, 1:59 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: ALL HAIL SHOWER THOUGHTS

Sorry. These days, I get nervous when I hear about you in conjunction with anything involving engineering. Your successes are numerous and mundane in comparison with your few failures, which are hilariously spectacular. When digging up an RTG to use as a space heater for a Mars Rover counts as a mundane success, you should really reconsider your life choices. 

We should have sent up more duct tape with Taiyang Shen. 

Mindy

postscript: Why #4? You'd be #3 if I'm optimistic and count my parents.

\---

From: Miyoung Kim, Director of Litigation, Intel Corporation  
To: Mindy Park at Gmail  
Date: June 21, 2037, 5:11 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Portland

buy dubu. soft or md firm 

china market is next to beavertontc max stop

2 pks pls

\---

From: Mindy Park at Gmail  
To: Miyoung Kim, Director of Litigation, Intel Corporation  
Date: June 21, 2037, 5:17 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Portland

-_-

Okay, see you tomorrow.

\---

From: Miyoung Kim, Director of Litigation, Intel Corporation  
To: Mindy Park at Gmail  
Date: June 21, 2037, 9:48 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Portland

where are you

\---

From: Miyoung Kim, Director of Litigation, Intel Corporation  
To: Mindy Park at Gmail  
Date: June 21, 2037, 9:51 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Portland

appa at la for conference, home saturday

I will make dak bal, if you want

see you tomorrow!

\---

From: Mindy Park at Gmail  
To: Miyoung Kim, Director of Litigation, Intel Corporation  
Date: June 22, 2037, 8:26 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Portland

MY OMMA IS THE BEST OMMA.

Yes to everything you want to feed me please.


	15. Chapter 15

From: Marissa Martinez, Math Department, John F. Kennedy Senior High School  
To: Rick Martinez, Mission Pilot, Ares 3  
Date: June 22, 2037, 8:27 AM  
Subject: RICARDO LUIS MARTINEZ BOLIVAR

**WHAT DID YOU DO???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?**

\---

From: Capital Records  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 8:30 AM  
Subject: Exciting American debut and promotional opportunity!

...

\---

From: Deutsche Grammophone  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 8:31 AM  
Subject: Classical hits for the new space age

...

\---

From: Annie Cha at Soompi  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 8:31 AM  
Subject: Contact info for Rick Martinez?

...

\---

From: A&M Records  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 8:31 AM  
Subject: Martian benefit album opportunity!

...

\---

From: Marissa Martinez, Math Department, John F. Kennedy Senior High School  
To: Rick Martinez, Mission Pilot, Ares 3  
Date: June 22, 2037, 8:51 AM  
Subject: Ugh

Cabrón, I don't mind you showing our dance to Mark, I mind you idiots doing it on NATIONAL TELEVISION WHERE EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU. My homeroom students started serenading a giant cutout of you when I walked in!!!!

\---

From: EMI  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:00 AM  
Subject: Smash hits for space travel!

...

\---

From: Nate Just at Buzzfeed  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:01 AM  
Subject: Interview on NASA media strategy?

...

\---

From: S.M. Entertainment  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:02 AM  
Subject: Come on a star-studded tour with SMTown Artists!

...

\---

From: Ann Taylor  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:04 AM  
Subject: Look your professional best at press briefings with Ann Taylor's help!

...

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Margaret Hooper, Senior Assistant, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:05 AM  
Subject: Office contents

My desk is somewhere underneath a very large crate of CDs. Why is it in my office?

\---

From: Margaret Hooper, Senior Assistant, NASA-JSC  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:05 AM  
Subject: Re: Office contents

They're mostly music press kits that were messengered over this morning. All of the meeting rooms are busy and we can't put it anywhere else without it being a fire hazard. 

You need to go to six meetings this morning. I'll find a place for it by lunch time.

\---

From: Sandeep Kulkarni, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
To: Blair Woo, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:05 AM  
Subject: What

Did you hear screaming? Does Frau Overlord have someone in her office?

\---

From: Blair Woo, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
To: Sandeep Kulkarni, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:05 AM  
Subject: Re: What

Why are you asking me?

\---

From: Sandeep Kulkarni, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
To: Blair Woo, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:05 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: What

I've been stuck in this meeting room for five days and you're closer. Anything?

\---

From: Blair Woo, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
To: Sandeep Kulkarni, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:06 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: What

I'm closer, but I am also not the Annie Montrose weather vane.

I can't see anything because Margaret's head is in the way. Margaret doesn't look alarmed, though. Also I'm pretty sure she's alone.

Now I hear thudding noises.

\---

From: Sandeep Kulkarni, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
To: Blair Woo, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:06 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: What

Thudding? What kind of thudding? Like a hollow thudding or a dull thudding?

\---

From: Blair Woo, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
To: Sandeep Kulkarni, Public Affairs Specialist, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:07 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: What

It stopped, whatever it was.

Margaret's staring at me now. I have to go back to work.

\---

From: Margaret Hooper, Senior Assistant, NASA-JSC  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:10 AM  
Subject: Coffee?

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Margaret Hooper, Senior Assistant, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:10 AM  
Subject: Re: Coffee? 

Irish. Hold the coffee.


	16. Chapter 16

From: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
To: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:11 AM  
Subject: Re: Re: Bill Nye

"Mark Watney, the astronaut who got stranded on Mars"  
Pros:

  1. Reminds everyone I'm an astronaut 
  2. Reminds everyone I was on Mars



Cons:

  1. A mouthful 
  2. Depressing 
  3. Obvious



"Mark Watney, the Botany Guy"  
Pros:  


  1. Educational  

  2. Not depressing  

  3. Succinct  

  4. Excellent interior rhyming scheme  

  5. Hard to forget  

  6. Trademark gold



Cons  


  1. May annoy Bill Nye



\---

From: Mark Watney, To love oneself is the start of a lifelong romance, Ares 3  
To: Mindysciple #1, Mindy Park at Gmail  
Date: June 22, 2037, 9:21 AM  
Subject: As some dead English guy once said

The Taiyang Shen delivered a s****** of duct tape when it resupplied Ares. I haven't finished the most recent supply inventory, but NASA also exceeded its usual margin of error on our food supply. With any luck, we'll be home before anyone has to start eatng the kung pao chicken packets.

Since I'm off the duty roster again, Vogel will be doing most of the actual repairs while I supervise. Flight control originally wanted me monitoring the situation remotely, preferably while strapped down somewhere out of the way. Commander Lewis pointed out that I was put on this mission to fix things and that me doing my job would ensure the best outcome for the entire crew. She didn't look very happy while saying it, and FC is not very happy with her, again, but they finally conceded. So, tomorrow, Vogel and I will be tethered in our EVA suits while handling the interior repairs, Commander Lewis will remotely supervise the repairs, and Beck will be on EVA duty to "monitor exterior structural integrity." All of us will be carrying duct tape.

I wasn't discouraging you from talking to me about your professional future. Maybe you should watch a few k-dramas and have a few days off before deciding. Aren't you going to Portland for an interview? It's a cool place, so why not stay a few extra days and have a vacation? My dad and I hiked a section of the PCT through Oregon years ago and ended up hitchhiking our way into Portland for a beer festival. The people were unnaturally friendly and there were IPAs as far as the eye could see.

PS Did you figure out what chargers were?  
  
PPS I cracked a rib. 

(This message has been censored for content due to system filtering parameters. If clarity has been grossly affected, please e-mail mailbox filter control with the message ID to receive the unfiltered original.)

\---

From: Mindy Park at Gmail  
To: Miyoung Kim, Director of Litigation, Intel Corporation  
Date: June 22, 2037, 11:46 AM  
Subject: Portland redux

I got on an earlier flight. Do you still need dubu?

\---

From: Miyoung Kim, Director of Litigation, Intel Corporation  
To: Mindy Park at Gmail  
Date: June 22, 2037, 11:01 AM  
Subject: Re: Portland redux

no, I got yesterday

is it standard interview trip? leave wednesday? appa says he can come home early if you stay longer

\---

From: Mindy Park at Gmail  
To: Mark Watney, Crash Test Dummy, Ares 3  
Date: June 22, 2037, 12:27 PM  
Subject: Plates! They're plates for plates!

ಠ_ಠ

^^;;;;;

>_<

-_-

orz

I was supposed to write emails during the flight, but I fell asleep before the plane even took off. Staggered off the plane and onto the MAX before realizing that, ha, Portland is two hours behind and the submission deadline was nigh. So, I'm dashing off a lame placeholder to tell you that I had the aforementioned reactions to your anatomical update, that I'm now in Portland and that I'm wearing pants. 

\---

From: Anne Montrose, Director of Media Relations, NASA-JSC  
To: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
Date: June 22, 2037, 2:28 PM  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Bill Nye

Imagine Weird Al Yankovic coming out of retirement to cover "Stayin' Alive" as "Botany Guy."

Now imagine it as your personal theme song for the rest of your unnatural life.

\---

From: Mindy Park at Gmail  
To: Mark Watney, Mission Specialist, Ares 3  
Date: June 22, 2037, 2:07 PM  
Subject: Happiness is a cold refrigerator

The first thing I do when I go home is to look inside my mom's refrigerator. I really, really, really can't describe the bliss that I feel when looking upon all of this delicious food that I didn't have to make myself.

attachment: [fridgebliss.png]

\---

From: Mindy Park at Gmail  
To: Miyoung Kim, Director of Litigation, Intel Corporation  
Date: June 22, 2037, 2:11 PM  
Subject: ???

There is a very fluffy cat sitting on our deck. It is staring intently at the door. Is this normal? 

\---

From: Miyoung Kim, Director of Litigation, Intel Corporation  
To: Mindy Park at Gmail  
Date: June 22, 2037, 3:30 PM  
Subject: Re: ???

if she is grey, that is lyra. she can come inside

the piebald cat is baka-chan. tell her to go home.

I will come home around 1930. we will go out for dinner or do you want leftovers?

\---

more-mineralssss (6:30 PM): mindyji!  
more-mineralssss (6:48 PM): Sleep?  
space_pap (7:14 PM): Appa! Sorry, Lyra and I had a cuddle and I fell asleep. But when did we get a cat?  
more-mineralssss (7:15 PM): Good cat. Good sleep too?  
space_pap (7:15 PM): Getting hungry. The _best_ kind of sleep.  
more-mineralssss (7:19 PM): good  
more-mineralssss (7:20 PM): can you stay longer?  
more-mineralssss (7:20 PM): appa want to see you!  
more-mineralssss (7:20 PM): Need to pick another show to watch together before next expedition.  
more-mineralssss (7:21 PM): maybe we should watch itakiss japanese live action again?  
more-mineralssss (7:22 PM): do you still have poster of furupon on your wall?  
space_pap (7:22 PM): I WAS TWELVE!!!


End file.
